101 ways to kill Rainflower
by Berrycloud12catface
Summary: one day, Oakheart woke up from a horrible nightmare, wanting to kill Rainflower. so he did. and he's sharing it with the world on his brand new show! that's right, another warriors show to clog the archive! rated T because of dramatic and sometimes gruesome death.
1. Chapter 1

Oakheart padded onstage. The curtains were drawn, but he could hear the chatter of cats waiting. He straightened his tie and smoothed his fur, going over one last time what he was going to say.

"Why are we doing this again?" a whiney voice asked. Oakheart turned and sighed. Crookedstar looked nervous and was fiddling with his tie. It was identical to Oakheart's, except it was wonky.

"Because, Rainflower is the worst mother ever, and I want to see her die," Oakheart said, fixing his brother's tie.

"And where on in about ten seconds," he added and pulled a hand mirror out of fur.

"Three, two, one," he murmured to himself. The curtains rose and he smiled at the crowd.

"Hello and welcome, she-cats and toms, to the first ever episode of 101 Ways to Kill Rainflower!" he said and pulled Crookedstar to his side. The old Riverclan leader smiled uncertainly.

"And now, the she-cat we will be killing!" Oakheart shouted enthusiastically. Brokenstar padded onstage, pushing a cage. Inside the cage, sat a very angry, very confused Rainflower.

"CROOKEDSTAR! WHY DID YOU PUT ME IN A CAGE?" she shrieked. Oakheart tutted.

"Always jumping to conclusions, Mother." he sighed disappointedly. "In fact, IT WAS I, WHO PUT YOU IN A CAGE!" Rainflower gasped, shocked.

"NO! HOW COULD MY FAVORITE SON PUT ME IN A CAGE?" she exclaimed.

"Did you rehearse that?" Crookedstar asked. Oakheart ignored him and turned back to the crowd.

"Every episode Rainflower will compete on a course. It will change every episode, so no death is repeated. She will just keep dying unless she either admits Crookedstar is more handsome than me, or find a blue lady-bug, which is hidden in one level." Oakheart explained. "Brokenstar! Hand me my remote." the evil Shadowclan leader chucked a tv remote towards him. Oakheart caught it and pushed a button with a flourish. At the same time backstage, a black cat sitting in a booth filled with levers and buttons pushed a particularly large and shiny red button, and onstage a huge course came out of the ceiling and stopped behind Oakheart. He struck a dramatic pose and nodded at the crowd, who had no idea his remote was fake. Rainflower stared at the course, wide-eyed and pale. She gulped.

"Now, before we begin, I have a gift for you, dear watcher," Oakheart said looking at you.

"If you want to see specific ways for Rainflower to die, leave a review! Now, on with the show!" Oakheart pushed another button and backstage, the black cat in the booth pulled a lever. A crane hand came from the roof and picked up Rainflower's cage. It connected the cage to the side of the course and disappeared back into the roof. Rainflowers door opened and she stepped into the first part of the course. It was a circular room, filled with worms.

"Oooh, spaghetti!" Rainflower mewed, then looked confused. "How is spaghetti supposed to kill me?" Oakheart sniggered.

"Drown you, maybe?" Crookedstar suggested. He didn't know what Oakheart had put in any of the obstacles. Rainflower stepped forward and started wading, chin deep, through the worms.

"Eew, why are they moving?" Rainflower whined, as worms crawled on her back and over her face.

"OW! WHAT? OW, HEY! STOP! NO, THE SPAGHETTI IS EATING ME!" Rainflower shrieked. "SOMEBODY HELP!" but it was too late; the worms were eating through her fur and skin, dragging her down to be the prey of killer worms.

"Wow. that was quick." Oakheart mewed, staring at the last spot he had seen Rainflower. Crookedstar was also staring at the worms, jaw hanging open.

"Okay! Good thing I have a revive button!" Oakheart mewed cheerfully, pushing a button on his remote. Rainflower appeared at the start of the next level, flashing slightly, like a character in an old video-game.

"Whew! For a second there I thought I had died!" Rainflower mewed, Oakheart rolled his eyes. The next level was a maze, and the hedge walls were wrapped in an electric fence. Rainflower padded into the maze, turned right then left, and accidentally brushed the hedge. She shot a foot in the air, fur sticking out and electricity flying around her. She landed, fur black and ears shooting small sparks of electricity. Oakheart leaned forward hopefully then sat back, looking disappointed, when Rainflower stood up shakily.

"I'm still alive!" she yowled and padded on. She turned left again and came face to face, with the biggest, angriest, and most electrified blast ended skrewt in the history of blast ended skrewt's. It turned to Rainflower, took one look at her, and blasted her with fire. Rainflower stood there for a second, completely black, then disintegrated on the spot. Oakheart grinned and pushed a button on his remote and the dust that was once Rainflower reformed at the end of the maze. She looked around, saw the next level and padded into it. There was an ice-cream truck in the middle of it. She squealed and ran towards it, quickly killed the owner of the truck, and started eating all the ice-cream. She ate and ate and ate, until, two hours later, she was perfectly round and looked almost dead. The crowd and Crookedstar had all fallen asleep, while Oakheart watched Rainflower with bright eyes. The huge fat cat groaned and looked at the last ice-cream cone, and shoved it in her face. She exploded, with such force, it blew a hole in the course, and with such noise, the Crowd and Crookedstar woke, just in time to see half-eaten ice-cream and bits of Rainflower flying towards them. Oakheart managed to open the umbrella he was holding in time to stop himself from getting covered. No-one else was that lucky.

"EEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeEEEEEeEWWwwwWW!" everyone shouted and stampeded to the bathrooms. Oakheart grinned sheepishly and pulled a walkie-talkie out his fur.

"Er, can we have a cleaning crew in here?" he said, then looked up.

"Um, see you all next time...I guess," Oakheart called to the crowd.

* * *

 **Hi! thanks so much for clicking on my story! this was inspired by AcornpounceQueenOfDeKitties Fanfic called Warrior deaths, so if you like reading about cats dying in hilarious ways, go check that out! and, as Oakheart said you can request specific ways for Rainflower to die.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The curtains rose to reveal Oakheart, sitting on a huge black office seat, spinning around.

"Wheeeeeee!" he shouted as he started picking up speed. Crookedstar bounded onstage, holding a brown paper bag.

"I bought Donuts!" Crookedstar said happily. Oakheart launched himself off his chair towards Crookedstar causing his chair to go flying off the side of the stage. There was a loud crash and a scream.

"Sorry…" Oakheart called, face covered in donut icing, cheeks bulging with the half-chewed donut.

"Oakheart! Those were for me and Brokenstar!" Crookedstar whined, tears in his eyes as he looked at his empty bag.

"Why were you going to share them with Brokenstar?" Oakheart asked, voice muffled by the donuts he was eating.

"Because he's my B.L.B!" Crookedstar said. "That stands for Broken Leader Buddy." Oakheart raised his eyebrows but nodded. As if on cue, Brokenstar walked on stage, pushing Rainflower, who was, again, in a cage.

"Hi, Crookedstar!" Brokenstar Squealed, sounding, to Oakheart, like an apprentice on their first patrol.

"Hey, Brokenstar!" Crookedstar mewed, just as enthusiastically. "I bought donuts, but Oakheart ate them." Brokenstar gasped and glared at Oakheart.

"Um, OK! ON WITH THE SHOW!" Oakheart said, glancing nervously at Brokenstar. The former Riverclan deputy pushed a button on his remote and the course came dramatically down from the ceiling.

"The last episode, Rainflower didn't find the Blue lady-bug, so this round, she has a disadvantage!" Oakheart said. "Shellheart is going to be distracting her and throwing rotten tomatoes!" Crookedstar looked surprised.

"Dad's coming on stage?" he asked, just as Shellheart bounded onstage, tried to do a cartwheel and ended up falling back off the stage.

"Whoops!" Shellheart called and hopped back up.

"What is up, my dudes?" Shellheart said striking a 'cool' pose.

"Um, Dad. not the time." Oakheart hissed, casting a nervous glance at the crowd.

"SHELLHEART! GET ME OUT OF THIS CAGE! YOUR SONS HAVE GONE CRAZY!" Rainflower shrieked, from her cage. Shellheart surveyed her, with the air of one surveying the insides of a frog.

"Nah I don't think so," Shellheart said and turned back to the Oakheart.

"When are we starting?" Shellheart asked. Oakheart grinned and pushed a button. Backstage, the black cat in the booth was caught off guard and pulled the lever a second too late.

"Right now," Oakheart said. There was a moment of awkward silence, then the crane hand came down, picked up Rainflower and attached her to the side of the course.

"Dope," Shellheart said, grinning. Oakheart groaned, Brokenstar snorted and Crookedstar snapped; "Dad!" Shellheart looked confused.

"Wasn't there Spaghetti here yesterday?" Rainflower said, looking around the supposedly empty room she was in. she shrugged and padded forward. there was a loud engine noise, then a monster came out of the wall at top speed, hurtling towards Rainflower. The she-cat jumped a foot in the air, out of surprise, and the monster went right under her, disappearing into the other wall.

"This is so Groovy! A ghost monster! So rad!" Shellheart said, shoving popcorn into his mouth. Oakheart glared at him.

"Dad. you're supposed to be throwing rotten tomatoes," he said, gesturing at the crate filled with disgusting brown tomatoes.

"Oh right…" Shellheart reached out, grabbed a tomato and threw it at Rainflower. It hit her smack in the head, causing her to fly back into the wall. She started walking to the next obstacle, unaware that the Ghost Monster was charging her again. This time, it rammed into her. It went right over her and disappeared back into the wall, leaving a flat Rainflower. Her stomach had split and her guts were covering her own fur. There was a trail of blood leading to the wall, in the pattern of car tires.

"Aw, gross, Dude!" Shellheart said, looking sick. Crookedstar also looked a little green. Oakheart watched Brokenstar dash off the stage, hand covering his mouth, then pushed a button on his remote and Rainflower reformed at the start of the next round.

"Booo!" Shellheart shouted, hurling another rotten tomato at her. A small hole opened in the side of the course, just big enough to fit the tomato, and in just the right spot for it to go flying through and splatter at Rainflowers paws. She leaped back, and fell under a ladder, accidentally bumping it. The black cat standing on it opened his umbrella, as he fell in front of her, the umbrella struck a mirror, which shattered and rolled to knock a horseshoe over, tipping the luck out. Rainflower stepped back in horror of what she had just done, and tripped over a salt shaker, knocking it over, and falling onto her back. She looked up, and right above her was a calendar saying, quite clearly it was Friday the thirteenth.

"NOOOOOO!" Rainflower shrieked convulsing from the unluckiness. She screamed one last time, then had a heart attack and died.

"That played out almost better than I thought it would!" Oakheart said pushing a button on his remote. Rainflower appeared at the next part. She was standing in a room, covered in huge posters of Crookedstar, zoomed in on his face. There was no other door, and the one behind Rainflower had just slammed shut.

"NooooOOOOoo! I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT THE UGLINESS!" Rainflower shrieked, trying to find a spot that didn't have a picture of Crookedstar. It was an impossible task; even the floor had posters.

Three hours later

Crookedstar and Brokenstar where playing chess, Oakheart was making darts to throw at Rainflower, Shellheart was trying to entertain the crowd with bad knock-knock jokes, and Rainflower was still trying to not look at Crookedstar.

"I CAN'T DO IT!" Rainflower finally screamed, unsheathed her claws and slit her own throat.

"FINALLY," Oakheart said, pushing his button. Backstage, the booth-cat had dozed off.

Oakheart grinned awkwardly when Rainflower didn't revive, pushing the button over and over again, and finally, after almost a minute, Rainflower appeared at the start of the next room. Oakheart made a mental note to mention this to the Booth-cat. Rainflower was now standing on the top of a cliff. Beside her where two dead mice.

"GROSS! I hate mice!" Rainflower said throwing them off the cliff. She looked around and saw the lasers coming towards her slowly for the first time.

"COOL! COLORED LIGHTS! Are we having a party?" Rainflower asked prancing over to stand next to them.

"IDIOT! Those are lasers!" Shellheart said, hands on his hips. Oakheart scowled at him.

"DAD! Why did you tell her that?" Shellheart looked sheepish.

Rainflower looked at the lasers in suspicion.

"Are you sure?" She mewed, sticking out her paw to test her ex-mates theory. The laser burned right through it, and Rainflower pulled back her hand, looking at it curiously.

"Oooh… watch out, everyone! Their lasers!" Rainflower shouted. She padded as far away from the lasers as possible and sat down. After ten minutes, her boredom had driven her crazy, and she was prancing around, either dangerously close to the edge of the cliff or dangerously close to the lasers. Every time she got to close too either, Oakheart leaned forward excitedly, then look disappointed when she didn't walk to her death. Finally, she took one step too far and fell off the cliff. She hit the bottom with a loud thump, and everyone leaned forward to see Rainflower. She was lying in a peaceful position, or at least it would have been peaceful if her body wasn't bent in the wrong direction. Oakheart pushed a button and Rainflower was teleported to a room. In it, was a robot, holding fox dung. The robot clanked forward and grabbed Rainflower. It yanked open her mouth and shoved the fox-dung down her throat. She started choking and gagging, trying in vain to spit out the fox dung. Then she saw something. Something that she knew (or thought) would end her suffering for good. The blue lady-bug. Sitting on the robot's nose. Rainflower pointed at it frantically, and Oakheart pushed a button. The robot shut down, and Rainflower spat the Fox Dung out, gasping in huge lungfuls of fresh air. She smiled at the ladybug. Then realized it was scowling. Suddenly, it lunged towards her, biting into her fur,

"OW! GET OF, YOU STUPID LADY-BUG!" Rainflower shrieked, as it burrowed into her head. Rainflower fell to the floor, as, inside her head, the lady-bug started eating her brains.

A minute later, Rainflower was dead and the lady-bug was quite fat. Oakheart grinned.

"Okay! Rainflower found the lady-bug, so we have to stop here, but don't worry! We'll be back with another episode! And don't forget, if you want to See Rainflower die in SPECIFIC ways, just leave a review!" Oakheart said and walked off stage with Crookedstar and Brokenstar.


End file.
